OUT OF DARKNESS, INTO WONDERFUL LIGHT

Every year, I approach the anniversary of the day I became a born again Christian (4.22.04), by reflecting on the years that have gone by, and all the memories that came along with it. I think about all the wonderful things I've seen God do in my life. I think about how faithful He has been to me in all areas of my life. I think about the wonderful church He led me to. And I think about how no matter the mistakes I've made, and sometimes continue to make, His promise to never leave me remains true. His mercies are new every day and His presence has comforted me through some difficult days, especially when I struggled heavily with anxiety.

With all the wonderful things that have happened in the 19 years since giving my life, and heart to Jesus, I sometimes forget about the darker side of the day I got saved. Yes, it's been 19 years since I accepted Jesus into my life. And 19 years since I experienced the Holy Spirit filling up every inch of my body. And 19 years since I experienced the most powerful and overwhelming love I've ever known. And 19 years since the feelings of drowning in a sea of worthlessness, hurt, guilt and shame were forever broken. But it's also been 19 years since the day I came home from work, got high, and started making plans to end my life. Yes, it has now also been 19 years since the day I almost committed suicide.

I want to share that I didn't just wake up one day feeling sad and decide it was time to take my life. The road to that decision took years. It was a lot of little things, that built up over time. The regrets haunted me. The wounds from every pain inflicted upon me never had the chance to heal as they were constantly being ripped open. The problem was I just couldn't get far enough from the lies that I was never going to feel better or that there was hope. And as the sadness and pain grew, climbing out of the hole got harder and harder. The pit got deeper and trying to find the light out of it got harder and harder to see. And eventually, the overwhelming despair of trying to climb out seemed so impossible that letting go and falling deeper was easier. And fall I did. And I fell hard.

That old saying of 'I wish I knew then, what I know now' certainly applies here. Because had I known years ago what I know now, my season of darkness would not have been nearly as long as the 2 years that it ended up being. I spent two years complaining and yelling at God to fix my life. Instead of reverence for God, I treated Him like a genie in the bottle expecting my every wish to be granted. There was also a lot of questioning, and bitterness toward Him during that time. And there was certainly a lot of doubt that He even existed (or at best, He hated me and that was why He was ignoring me). It wasn't until the day I got saved that I ever actually surrendered to God. And by this, I simply mean that I came before God, sincerely repented of my lifestyle and asked Him to help me. And that's when everything changed. That's when God spoke to me, that's when God filled me with His Spirit, that's when the darkness lifted and joy entered into my life. The truth is, God had been with me all along. And that was so clearly made known to me when God spoke the following words to me on April 22, 2004, "I've always been here, I've been waiting for you". It was never that God wasn't there, or that He didn't care about me, or that He was unable to fix my problems. There was a requirement needing to be satisfied. And that requirement was that I needed to choose Him. I needed to surrender my life to Him. He was never going to force me to come to Him. God is love and love is not forced. Love is a choice. And when I chose God, everything changed. Everything.

The Bible tells us that God "calls us out of darkness and into his wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9). I know this scripture all too well. Because I lived it. It's literally what happened to me the moment I repented of my sins and asked Jesus into my life. When I tell you that in single moment, the pain and sorrow, the bitterness, the anger, the heartbreak and the worries went away, I am telling you the truth. The storm clouds that had been hovering over my head for 2 long years disappeared. The darkness fled and it was replaced by light, God's wonderful light, and an overwhelming peace that I had never known. I remember it so clearly and it still gives me the chills.

If He would do that for me, He will do that for you.

So I want to encourage every one reading this to remember the darkness is a lie. I want you to know that God can and will penetrate through the lies you are believing, the hurt you are experiencing, and the fear you are facing. We must remember what the Bible teaches us in John 10:10:

"The thief (Devil) comes ONLY to STEAL and KILL and DESTROY; I (Jesus) have come that they (you and me) may have LIFE, and have it to the FULL."

Let today be the day we all return our hearts to the Lord Jesus. Let today be the day we surrender everything to Him and allow His light to push away the darkness and fill us with His wonderful light.

-Open up, and let the light in-

(Free copies of my book, Chasing Love, are available here https://www.letthelightin.net/chasinglove, at checkout, please use Promo Code: Love)

Final thought:

It's believed over 12 million Americans think about suicide each year. 3.5 million Americans make a plan for suicide each year. 1.7 million Americans attempt suicide each year. 48,000 Americans died by suicide in 2021. That's 1 every 11 minutes. Think about that, every 11 minutes, someone in this country feels so hopeless that they choose to end their life.

If you or anyone you know is considering suicide, please get help. The suicide and crisis lifeline number is 988. Calls are free and confidential.