EIGHTEEN

Do you remember when you turned eighteen? I do. What I remember most about it was the feeling that something magical was going to happen. Society had groomed me to believe that once I turned eighteen, I would officially be an "adult" and my life would change for the better. I would no longer make foolish decisions, I would act mature, and I would attain some heightened sense of wisdom. I also remember thinking that once I turned eighteen, I would be capable of doing life on my own, and I would be independent, not needing help or advice from those around me. Truth be told, nothing magical occurred when I turned eighteen. And the older I get, the more I realize how little I knew back then.

I turn eighteen for the second time today because on April 22, 2004, exactly eighteen years ago, I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and I was Born Again. That day, I was on my knees, crying my heart out to a God I didn't think existed. Eighteen years ago I was drowning in a sea of sorrow, I was lonely, bitter, and broken hearted. I was selling drugs to pay for the drug addiction I had fallen into and I was high almost every waking moment for nearly two years. And if that wasn't bad enough, for two long years, every night my pillow was soaked in tears as I cried myself to bed each night. I knew something was wrong in my life. I knew something was missing. But I had no idea what it was. I was so depressed, trying to chase a high that would fix whatever was wrong inside me that when the pleasures of this world failed to deliver on fixing what was wrong in me, I became so depressed I nearly committed suicide.

And then something happened. In a blink of an eye...everything changed. Everything.

It still feels like a dream, that at my lowest point in life, minutes from taking my life, God revealed himself to me in such an extraordinary way. When I called out to God to save me from the hell my life had become, I never actually believed He would answer me. But He did. When God gently and lovingly spoke the words, "Yes, it's Me. I've always been here and I've been waiting for you", everything I thought and everything I believed in changed forever. Those words still echo in my heart and soul today. Not only did they reveal to me the existence of a loving Heavenly Father who had been patiently waiting for me to turn to Him, but those words are the single reason I didn't commit suicide that night.

I started this article by reflecting on turning eighteen and how I thought that something magical would happen at that age. I also mentioned how I thought I would be able to do life on my own at age eighteen. Its funny how looking back, I can clearly see how foolish that logic was and still is. But yet, lately I am finding myself repeating that very same mistake in my spiritual life. What I mean by this, and I suppose it's somewhat of a confession, is that I thought after eighteen years of knowing the Lord that I would be much further along in my faith. I would have thought that by now, I wouldn't struggle with fear, or anxiety, or doubt. I certainly didn't think I would still question God as much as I do. I definitely never thought I'd allow negative thoughts in my head to condemn me for not having more faith than I do. I find myself questioning how it's possible that after all these years, and after all the wonderful things I've seen God do in my life, that I still sometimes don't trust His goodness and faithfulness to me. And I'm willing to bet that many, if not most people reading this who know the Lord, face this same struggles.

But just like it's foolish to think an eighteen year old is an adult who should be independent and have it all figured out, it's just as foolish to think that of someone who is spiritually eighteen years old. And lately, I've been sensing God wanting to help me in this area by leading me back to the beginning. Back to a better understanding of dependency. I am finding that the longer I am on this journey with God, the more I am needing Him and the less I have things figured out. And I think it's exactly what God wants from all of us. Let me call your attention to what Jesus says in the Gospel of John, chapter 15, verse 5:

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

I have read this scripture hundreds of times, but not until recently, have I connected this scripture to my own spiritual growth. This scripture is all about dependency on God. It's not a scripture telling us to grow in our faith so that we can do things on our own. It's not telling us to turn eighteen and become an adult so we can take care of ourselves. No, it's saying the complete opposite. It's saying stay connected to God. Its saying rely on God for everything and don’t allow yourself to think you’re better off independent of Him. It’s essentially saying don’t grow up and leave home. Go outside and look at the branches on the ground. Why are they dead? It's because for whatever reason, the branches have been detached from the very thing that had been giving them life. Our walk with God is no different. When we stay connected to God, He gives us everything we need. But when we become independent of Him, desiring to do things on our own, we find that the life God has for us begins to slowly wither away. And I truly believe that many of us do this without even realizing it.

As I sat there trying to digest all of this, an obvious question came to mind. How do I stay attached to the vine? And this is what I felt the Lord revealing to me. And it's incredibly simple. He asked me to go back to a time when I didn’t know what it meant to be independent of Him. He began showing me that the trauma I went through growing up created a need in me to be independent. I had learned from an early age that I couldn’t trust people and that I could rely on only myself. Over time, becoming self-reliant became a badge I proudly wore everywhere I went. But what I didn't realize was happening, and what God was now showing me, is this same attitude of independence was infecting my walk with God. God was showing me that I had detached from the vine, no longer trusting Him the way I once had. I had reverted back to what I knew before being saved. And that's when I realized what God was asking me to do. He was showing me that I could learn a lot by going back to beginning - eighteen years ago, and remember what it was like to be childlike in my faith.

Children have very little control over their own lives or situations. And yet, children accept the fact that they have to put their trust in other people to help them, feed them, and take care of them. They trust what their parents, teachers or other adults say without doubts or fears. Now obviously children can be led astray or have faulty understanding of things. But I don't believe that is what is meant by being childlike in our faith. I believe God was providing me an example of honest and sincere faith, using the illustration of innocence of a child as his example. And this brings me back to my struggles with fear, anxiety and doubts that I mentioned earlier. Could it be the reason that I experience these things is because I drifted away from that childlike faith I used to have? Could it be that I haven’t been living dependent on my Heavenly Father the way I used to in those early days of being saved? Have I allowed myself to think highly of myself and my knowledge of God that I stopped relying on God as much as I used to?

So today, on my eighteenth birthday, I will spend time reflecting on those early days of being saved. I didn't understand much of God, except that He loved me so much that he died to save me from my sins. And I'll reflect on those early days laying on my bed for hours reading the Bible and talking to God, hanging on every word He said. I’ll meditate on how I trusted him with every fear, anxiety and doubt I had. I love April 22 because it reminds me that whenever things get out of balance in my life or when I'm uncertain of the future, all I need to do is reflect on the events of April 22, 2004 and how close I came to ending my life. And it always reminds me of the power God has to transform a life. My life. Your life. Any life.

† let the light in †

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